Spoiler forewarning– (but you already know the ending).

Available for download now (yeah, not just a doc about the slacker, it’s also FOR the slacker) is documentary-filmmaker Michael Moore’s Slacker Uprising, a documentary strategically released NOW during the intensity of Presidential Campaign 2008 in a blatant effort to remind the American people that in spite of embarking on an exhaustive cross-country campus tour to recruit slacker non-voters to vote, it ended up being a colossal waste of time because Bush still won there might still be hope for the Democrats IF we don’t repeat any mistakes and IF the Lazy-McLazies become informed and get their act together………………………………..

Alright. So.

The doc documents Moore’s “Slacker Uprising Tour” that had taken place in 2004, the tour’s objective being to crowbar-pry the 50% non-voting population of sloths off the ass-grooves of their couch to go and cast their ballot. Notoriously left-wing, Moore tries to sway the slacker voters to vote against Bush by– yeah, informing them of how Bush has put his own country in irreparable ruin and killed soldiers in numbers that equate to lemmings pouring over a cliff. But if that wasn’t enough incentive for the people to vote against Bush, Moore subsequently bribes the slacker crowd with the cornerstone elements of slacker living: day-supplies of ramen noodles and clean underwear. And Eddie Vedder. Luring the fish by slipping these goodies on the hook? It makes you cringe when you realize that you share this very earth with a people who live on a diet of instant noodles and can’t be assed to wash their skivvies– or Moore just offensively assumes of them this sort of lifestyle– but ultimately, these people don’t care to vote for the betterment of their country…

Desperation reached a new low by rounding up all the hide-out nodding heads of the country and using them to weigh down Kerry’s side of the scale.

Did the ends justify the means?

Certainly not. Strength lies not in numbers. Strength lies not in celebrity cameos. Strength lies not in Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Strength lies not in hit-over-the-head Messiah-like rhetoric.

Strength lies– in the words of my friend– magic.

And strength also lies in the ability to shift the values, morals, and beliefs of a Republican to those of a Democrat’s. But that’s not happening, it’s the story of society, it’s the story of the world: the ignorant dumb-asses will always outnumber the informed liberal and there is no bringing them to the other side because their square republican morals and values are just as firmly planted as those of Mr. or Miss Lefty’s.

And you can watch said square Republicans in Slacker Uprising— though they’re like non-threatening benign tumours, they make themselves known and present at Moore’s events, with their hey-whuddup shout-outs to God and Jesus, dubbing Moore the antichrist, and chanting “4 more years!” until blue in the face.

They are obstinate, they are planted, there is no shifting them. They love their non-aborted babies, and pointless wars, and God, and– all that fun stuff. They’re not going to give it up, not for you Moore, not for anyone.

So Moore, until you find some immaculate solution to successfully convert the believer to atheist and convert them by the tens of thousands, you will not get the numbers you want. But we all hope you can soon. Your present efforts will not go unrecognized, nor have they ever. Your aggressive and relentless subversive agenda is admired and applauded by so many and people who care about their country can safely turn to you for hope. We are right behind you! Cobra Commander to the left, you are the real American hero! Keep fighting the good fight!

See you on November 4, 2008.

Your friendly neighbourhood,

special k


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