Say it with me: ‘SCHADENFREUDE’

Gosh, look at that Crest smile! That’s not a million-dollar smile! That’s like—- (ballpark) a $700-billion-smile! Goodness, forget Congress saving Wall Street, forget “golden parachute” agreements, Mr. Joe Biden just needs to flash those pearly whites and the fat cat CEOs are suddenly dug out of the deep and negative red!

And y’know what, I think we should all be expecting more of that blinding smile come Friday, October 3, 2008. I predict that that crinkly-eyed famous grin is going to be the big banner headline of every major newspaper in the world, above articles that describe Biden’s shooting-fish-in-a-barrel easy victory over a slaughtered opponent, Sarah “Killa from Wasilla” Palin. And I mean slaughtered, where Palin is left on the ground, battered and bruised, choking on Biden’s dust.

This isn’t anticipation for some snoozefest debate (see also: McCain vs. Obama debate), this is giddy anticipation for a boxing match between Jake La Motta versus Sugar Ray Robinson. Assigning metaphorical names to real faces, La Motta is Biden, and Sugar Ray is Palin and once Biden throws that first foreign-policy punch, Palin is going to try to keep her dizzy head up with airy and nonsensical filibustering before she meets the ground…

….and then we see That Smile.

The fact is that we’re so goddamn charged and giddy for this debate because: a) Palin, without the slightest bit of uncertainty, is going to FLOUNDER; and b) we, North America and the world, want to witness said floundering. It will be a spectacular disaster, one for the books, one for the ages, one for our children’s children’s children. We watched a woman, yanked literally out of cold obscurity, and rise too quickly to the top with certain qualifications listed in her C.V. that couldn’t warrant ANY position in the White House– NOT EVEN CUSTODIAL DUTIES. NO REALLY, she could not be exempt for custodial duties, I estimate that at least 90% of custodial employees in America are aliens foreigners, and that is a deal breaker for Palin (and that’s a shame, because with custodial experience, she can then pad her foreign policy experience on her resumé. Baby steps, Palin, baby steps).

We want to see the pitbull bitch go down, nothing would make us happier. This past month, it has been universally infuriating for all of us to watch Palin, quite literally sitting pretty on McCain’s ticket. It has ruined whole days for us, it has sparked arguments with our loved ones (even if you are on the same side), it has given us stomachaches and headaches, we’ve lost sleep over it. Palin running beside McCain has brutally offended all of us in one way or another, no matter who you are, be it environmentalist, feminist, gay or lesbian, evolutionist, Russian, mother, teen mother, rape victim, globe-trotter, Alaskan, Alaskan Native American, sex education teacher, librarian, scientist, wolf, Hilary Clinton, paleontologist/dinosaur, one with Down’s Synrdome, polar bear, Matt Damon, U.N. member, animal activist, beauty pageant contestant, human being, or even Conservative/Republican.

But this coming Thursday, we’ll watch Biden hurling fists of foreign policy fury, pumping the uppercuts of global warming, giving the ol’ 1-2-1-2 of whose looks are better (I hope), and watch the hard, teeth-clenching knock-out when addressing WOMEN’S ISSUES.

Katie Couric, you cornered her good…

But Biden, I hold up the big neon sign with your name coloured across it, knowing that you’ll deliver the last black-out blow…

And then, That Smile.

Your friendly neighbourhood,

special k.


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