Man Wears 5 Canada Goose Coats, Remains Trendy While Doing So

Fashion over Function

When clearing one city block, you are bound to pass at least two dudes, each of them shrunk back in their own body-swallowing Canada Goose parka, fighting off freezer burn and pervy petting hands. Hot off the looms and selling like Oprah just named it her new favourite thing, these puppies have well surpassed their function by their fashion and everyone is all ‘gimme-gimme’ to get their hands on one. Most fashion slaves and trend-chasers of the Canada Goose coat dare not even brave real icebox regions of the world to test its original design and engineering to endure frostbite temperatures. Here in Southern Ontario, it’s a lukewarm winter in comparison to the Yukon or Greenland, yet instead of sufficiently duct-taping down layers of fleece wound around their body, they resort to being a pussy and simply donning the Canada Goose coat on like they’re about to enter the taint of the Arctic tundra– all in the name of staying fashionable– and secretly feeling so pimp-empowered that they could just waltz onto the set of a T-Pain music video. One man who is sucked into the overwhelming Canada Goose trend this winter and killing himself to keep up with the Joneses is Norm Dolland, an owner of 5 Canada Goose coats and wears them all simultaneously: 1 for the upper body, and 1 for each limb. Verbosaurus caught up with Dolland and asked what the fuck he was doing…

Verbo: Hi Norm, thanks for meeting with us.
Dolland: Sure, yeah, no problem.
Verbo: Did you want to hang up your coats? We’re inside.
Dolland: I’d rather keep them on, keepin’ it fresh.
Verbo: Your skin is sort of bubbling at the neck, you might have heat rash actually.
Dolland: No, it’s all good.
Verbo: So– how’s the bandwagon ride?
Dolland: Well, y’know, I mean, I just had to step it up, you see guys walking around and they have like one or two– like, one over the other– and that’s like regular or whatever, and they end up looking like everyone else. But see, I got one for my body up here and then one on each arm and then one on each leg and y’know, I just stepped it up. Yeah, Canada Goose coats are the “It” fashion right now, but I took that and made it something different, something hotter.
Verbo: ‘Hotter’ is a good word for this– for what’s happening here. I think the sweat is burning your eyeballs.
Dolland: Naw, it’s good, I just look good, and that’s what counts.
Verbo: These coats were originally designed to wear when going on expeditions in places where the temperature is actually staggeringly cold and where frostbite strikes exposed skin in under five minutes. Are you planning to travel to these places to perhaps put all 5 of your coats to better use? I mean, these run for $500CAD-$900CAD a pop– you’ve got 5 of them. You’re that dude who dropped at least $2500 on coats and you wear them here where comparatively, it’s not that cold and winter covers only a little over a third of the year.
Dolland: Um– y’know, I thought about going to a place like Antarctica, and it’s just like– if I’m wearing these to impress people and especially women, I’m not so interested in impressing igloo housewives or Björk or something. But Icelandic chicks are hot. Just not Björk. So who knows, I might go to Iceland.
Verbo: Hmm. How do you feel about down?
Dolland: Down with what?
Verbo: The down, the fill of these coats are made of goose down…
Dolland: Oh oh yeah, I’m okay with that, it keeps you warm, right?
Verbo: The thing is that Canada Goose have a very strict policy that they adhere to when it comes to goose down, they absolutely do not advocate live-plucking because they deem it unethical–
Verbo: –No. The down is carefully harvested. The point I’m trying to make here is that the rims of the hoods are actually made of real coyote fur. Do you not see even an ounce of hypocrisy in that?
Dolland: Well, come to think of it, sacrifices have to be made to look good, y’know? You can’t tell Beyoncé not to wear mink, she’d be naked all the time and Jay-Z wouldn’t have that.

Verbo: Have you been splashed with paint by PeTA or received any sort of negative response from any other animal rights coalition yet?

Dolland: No, I think people out there understand that what I’m doing is honest and from the heart.

Verbo: What’s going to happen when the scorching summer rolls around?
Dolland: Just keep wearin’ em, I have a statement to make, I believe in Canada Goose. I think keeping a trend alive hinges on its prolificness, that shit has to be everywhere at all times, no matter what season. It has to be known.
Verbo: You don’t think this is overkill? Or that this trend is simply a flash in the pan?
Dolland: Women still wear Uggs, don’t they? Gay men still wear cut-offs paired with Doc Martins, don’t they?
Verbo: Point taken.
Dolland: Canada Goose is here to stay.


About this entry